A man comes home and hears hard breathing and female noises from inside the apartment. He walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. His wife yells, "Help, help, I am having a heart attack!"
The husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says, "Daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet."
Husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids!!!"
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
The Big Jump
Q: OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
A: The brunette, because the other two don't exist!
Graveyard Hair Salon
Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?
A: "Curl Up and Dye."
Jittery Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."