Full Fledged Alaskan

There's this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want's to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska. So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a full-fledged Alaskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a full fledged Alaskan. The bar man say's "First you drink this liter of whisky, then you've got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her." The guy gets confused, so he asked the bar man to repeat it. He comes back a week later beaten to shit. "What happened to you?" said the bar man. "I'm nearly a full fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman"!

Preservatives

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Three Men on Death Row

There were three men on death row, a Brit, an American, and a Pollock. They are all set to be put in the electric chair. The Brit gets strapped up first. The executioner asks if he's got any last words to say. The Brit says, "God bless the Queen and England." The executioner proceeds to the switch, but nothing happens. The executioner tells the Brit, that he'll come back for him. He then goes to the chair where the American is strapped down and asks for his last words. The Americian says, "God bless America." The executioner pulls the switch, but again nothing happens. The executioner tells the American to sit tight because he'll be back for him. He then walks over to the Pollock strapped in the seat and asks for his last words. The Pollock replies, "Yes, you forgot to plug the damn thing up, idiot!