Top 12 Ways to go to Jail

Drink too much this holiday?  Here are the top 12 things NOT to say if pulled over:
12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
11. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin' Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
8. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
7. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
4. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
3. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
1. Hold my beer, watch this...

How many does it take?

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "What do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "So how many does it take?"

Guy Notices a Woman

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."