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The best jokes and joke writers!

Drunk Chicken

Q: What do you get from a drunk chicken?

A: Scotch eggs!

Irish Compassion

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish accent:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake. When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

Whiskey Duck

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.

Daffy turns to Elmer and says: "Is this Whiskey?"

Elmer says: "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

The Plan

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy ."Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping... with your Oldsmobile.
14. Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12. Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11. For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10. Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7. Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6. Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4. The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 
1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.