Irish Guy in the Hospital
Q: How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
Too Much Celebrating
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing, "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"
Q: What do you get from a drunk chicken?
A: Scotch eggs!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish accent:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake. When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our five hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.
Daffy turns to Elmer and says: "Is this Whiskey?"
Elmer says: "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"