Alcohol Jokes

Q: How do you play the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

A: Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. Then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later." The man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test. "Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.