Profession Jokes - Psychiatrist Jokes

Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.

Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Patient:  Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

Doctor:  You should cut down on drinks.

Patient:  I don't touch a drop.

Doctor:  You should cut down on smoking.

Patient:  I don't smoke.

Doctor:  You should stop taking drugs.

Patient:  I don't do drugs, either.

Doctor:  You should cut down on womanizing.

Patient:  But, I haven't touched a woman in my life!

Doctor:  In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!