Profession Jokes - Psychiatrist Jokes

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.  I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."  "How much do you charge?", Shakey asked.  "A hundred dollars per visit." the Doctor said.  Well, "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for just ten dollars.", said Shakey.

In complete disbelief, the psychiatrist said, "Is that so! How?".  "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

I've started to see a psychologist, but she is so beautiful I can't string together a coherent sentence around her.

Should probably see someone about that.

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. "I'm in love with my horse," he said .

"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much."

"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse."

"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"

"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want." The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much fun as she used to be."

The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"

Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."

The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."