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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Farmer's Fiddle

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was. "How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?" "I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful." "I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle." "It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."

Irish Pilots

(Setting the scene: Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EL109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the instrument landing systems. In a fit of panic, Paddy the pilot turns to his co-pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...We'll have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy, "No Problem...sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!' "OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just head North" "Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen minutes later Paddy asks, "Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "We're over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction." Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies, "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...bank left here and you should be on course for runway one. Paddy, responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on runway one. Paddy turns to Mick and says, "That was brilliant, but, tell me, how did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats." "Well!" said Mick, "when I pulled my hand back in, my watch was gone!"

Story of My Friend

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.  I said "Hi Jack."  He shot me.

Old Pilots

OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane

Airline Food?!

Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Southwest 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 ... did you copy the report from Delta?"

Southwest 635: "Southwest 635, cleared for takeoff ... and yes, we copied Delta and we've already notified our caterers."