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The best jokes and joke writers!

Old Pilots

OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane

Airline Food?!

Tower: "Delta 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Delta 702: "Tower, Delta 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Southwest 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 ... did you copy the report from Delta?"

Southwest 635: "Southwest 635, cleared for takeoff ... and yes, we copied Delta and we've already notified our caterers."

Old Pilots Again

OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off

A No-Frills Airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

  • They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
  • All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
  • Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
  • If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
  • You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
  • Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
  • The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
  • When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
  • The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
  • You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
  • No movie. Don't need one.
  • Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
  • You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
  • All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. 

Ponder These

  • If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
  • Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
  • Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
  • Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  • I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
  • Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
  • Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.
  • Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
  • What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
  • Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?