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The best jokes and joke writers!

Lawyer's Dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."

Anything You Want

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a so called "lady of the night". She says, "For $300.00, I'll do anything you want." Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says: "Ok. Paint my house, bitch!"

Urologist Christmas

Q: How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?

A: He looked inside Santa's sack.

A hearty breakfast

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I don't have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.

Translating Menspeak

When He Says - He Really Means

Do you have the time? - to go to bed

Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.

How are you? - in bed, I mean.

I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.

I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.

I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.

I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.

I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.

I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.

I'm in television. - I fix them.

I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.

I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.

I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.

I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.

I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.

I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.

I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.

I play the market. - Safeway

I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.

I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.

Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.

My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.

My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.

My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.