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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Painter

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?

A: "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

Santa's Pet Peeves

  •  Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
  • When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
  • Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch".
  • Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask.
  • Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
  • Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
  • Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam.
  • Two words: lap rash

20,000 Cockroaches

Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?

Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

Meteorologist & Sex Life

Q: What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm and a woman's sex life have in common?

A: They're both concerned with how many inches and how long it will last.