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The best jokes and joke writers!

Fire and Theft Insurance

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?"

I said, "Fire and theft."

Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. You should have fire OR theft."

Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.

Anything You Want

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a so called "lady of the night". She says, "For $300.00, I'll do anything you want." Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says: "Ok. Paint my house, bitch!"

Urologist Christmas

Q: How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?

A: He looked inside Santa's sack.

A hearty breakfast

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I don't have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.

The Painter

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?

A: "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"