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The best jokes and joke writers!

Letterman's Bad Surgeon General

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.

9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.

8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.

7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.

6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.

5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.

4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".

3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.

2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.

1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

Serious Disease

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

  • "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
  • "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
  • "Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!"
  • "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
  • "Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there."
    "Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops!"
  • "Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?"
  • "There go the lights again?"
  • "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
  • "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
  • "Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration."
  • "What's this doing here?"
  • "I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
  • "That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!"
  • "Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
  • "Sterile schmerile."
  • "The floor's clean, right?"
  • "OK, now take a picture from this angle."
  • "This is truly a freak of nature."
  • "This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"
  • "Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?"
  • "Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
  • "What do you mean 'You want a divorce?!?"
  • "FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
  • "Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Mrs. Ogden Went To Her Doctor...

Mrs Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill." "I don't think you need the Pill at your age." "It relaxes me." "But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician. "I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed."

Blonde Nurse?

Q: Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

A: Nurse: No. Is it missing?