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The best jokes and joke writers!

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

  • "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
  • "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
  • "Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!"
  • "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
  • "Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there."
    "Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops!"
  • "Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?"
  • "There go the lights again?"
  • "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
  • "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
  • "Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration."
  • "What's this doing here?"
  • "I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
  • "That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!"
  • "Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
  • "Sterile schmerile."
  • "The floor's clean, right?"
  • "OK, now take a picture from this angle."
  • "This is truly a freak of nature."
  • "This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"
  • "Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?"
  • "Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
  • "What do you mean 'You want a divorce?!?"
  • "FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
  • "Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Mrs. Ogden Went To Her Doctor...

Mrs Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill." "I don't think you need the Pill at your age." "It relaxes me." "But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician. "I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed."

Blonde Nurse?

Q: Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

A: Nurse: No. Is it missing?

A Wonderful Exercise

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minorheart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery." So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him, "That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

        The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

  1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
  2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
  3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
  4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
  5. The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
  6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
  7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"