Profession Jokes - Farmer Jokes
Signs Your Cow has Mad-Cow Disease
- Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
- She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
- Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
- Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
- Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
- Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
- Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
- Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
- Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
- She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
- Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
- Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
- Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
- Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
- Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
- Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
- Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
- Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
- Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
- You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
- Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
- Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?" The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
Name That Ranch
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
"None survived the branding."
High Tech Milking Machine
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk."
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. "Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust." She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."