In The Beginning...

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient... "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Stress Flight

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.  A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled; "Mayday, mayday!!  The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.  I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.  I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. The employee in the tower put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions.  The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"  He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good,remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

Old Lady's House Ransacked

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermelons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied, "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."