Penguin Jobs

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The bartender is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road. Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the bar. One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster. He starts chatting to the barman and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment. Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird. The barman says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits. Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sandwich. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird. "Hello there," said the Ringmaster, "I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?" "Is it that big tent in the park?" said the penguin. "Yes," replied the Ringmaster. "The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?" "Yes, Yes my feathered friend." "Don't be daft," said the penguin. "I'm a plasterer!" and walked back to the building site.

The Chase

A guy was driving his car at 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights. Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph.
He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side. The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, " he said, " and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.

10 Signs Your Broker

1. Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash "He can't come to the phone right now... he's on the ledge."
2. "He won't be in today... he was made an offer and he refused."
3. "He left the building and not via the elevator... if you catch my drift."
4. "I'm sorry, sir... she's not in... she's out digging up your can as we speak."
5. There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
6. "He's on another line with his Mommy... would you care to hold?"
7. "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange."
8. "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
9. "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
10. "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."