You're Fired

As a surgeon, the most stressful jobs are circumcisions
You're constantly facing the sack

Go Farther

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee. Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, "Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go farther than that!"
So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.

Government Competition

Q: What's the REAL reason the government jails people for theft
A: They don't want any competition.