Suffering From Dilutions

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.
One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore.
"Don't quit now," Peter begged. "A few more jobs and we can retire."
Jim refused to change his mind. "Peter," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'"

Beakless

Q: What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A: A headbanger

Two Barstools

Yo mama so fat, she needs one bar stool for each butt cheek.