Cafeteria Sign

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Robert Schmidt

• I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".
• I moved into an all electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
• I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
• You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
• I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
• There aren't enough days in the weekend.
• My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Crowded Subway

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"