Crowded Subway

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

When To Buy

Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?
A: When they're going cheap!

A Curtain

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain.
Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!