Real News Headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country:

• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 

Vehicle of Choice

Q: Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
A: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!

Insult Collection 14

• I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.
• Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
• Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!
• Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
• So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word] a long time ago.
• You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
• The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
• I hear you were born on April 2 a day too late!
• I hope you never get a tetanus shot maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
• If you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!
• If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
• Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?