When Its Cold Outside
Q: How do you know when it is cold outside?
A: When your dog's dick is frozen to the fire hydrant.
Two men from Dublin are walking to the annual Dublin Fair, when it starts to rain. "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining." "I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it." "Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?" "I didn't think it would rain."
My Montana Diary
Aug. 12: Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.
Oct. 14: Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.
Nov. 11: Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
Dec. 2: It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!
Dec. 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19: More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.
Dec. 21: More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!
Dec. 25: Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.
Dec. 27: More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??
Dec. 28: The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.
Jan. 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the bunters had killed them all last November.
May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??
May 10: Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Montana!!!!
Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon. "Man! commented one... it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up. The cold air is killing me!!" The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road. "Well, he said at last... you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn't get so cold that way." "Great idea!" commented the other. "stop and let me switch." The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards. "There! he said when he had completed the switch. I feel better already." The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out "Is anybody hurt?" One guy from the crowd replied "Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head."
Q: What did the weather satellite say to mission control?
A: Houston, you have a problem.