Taking the Ferry Home

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found that there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.  When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.  "How did you like that jump, Buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.  "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Things Never Said By A Southerner

Things never said by a southerner

• Duct tape won't fix that.
• Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
• We don't keep firearms in the house.
• You can't feed that to the dog.
• The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• We're vegetarians.
• Do you think my gut is too big?
• Honey, we don't need another dog.
• Who's Richard Petty?
• We could just share a small bag of pork rinds.
• Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
• I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
• Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I've got it all on the C drive.
• There's too much sugar in this tea.
• Checkmate.
• I believe you cooked those greens too long.

Good ole days in Texas

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back east, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"