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The best jokes and joke writers!

A Chicago Man in Hell

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem... just like Chicago in June," the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "No problem. Just like Chicago in August."

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Chicago man replies, "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!" "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"

Loudest State

Q: What is the loudest state?

A: ILLI-NOISE

Broken Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Guys Watching Super Bowl

Q: What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Chicago Bears

Illinois Jokes

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Dumb Illinois Laws

  • You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
  • You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.
  • You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
  • The English language is not to be spoken.
  • Chicago Law, forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
  • It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
  • Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
  • Spitting is forbidden
  • In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
  • It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.
  • It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
  • Champaign - One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
  • Cicero - Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
  • Crete - Cars may not be driven through the town.
  • Des Plaines - Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
  • Eureka - A man with a mustache may not kiss a woman.
  • Evanston - Bowling is forbidden.
  • It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
  • It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
  • Fairfield - It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundaries from sundown to sunrise.
  • Freeport - It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.
  • Galesburg - There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
  • Homer - It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
  • Joliet - Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
  • Kenilworth - A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.
  • Kirkland - Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kirkland's streets.
  • Moline - Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.
  • There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.
  • Morton Grove - You may not own a handgun
  • Normal - It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
  • Orland Park - No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
  • Ottawa - Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.
  • Park Ridge - Trucks may only park inside closed garages.
  • Peoria - Basketball hoops may not be installed on a driveway.
  • Zion - It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.