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My Montana Diary

Aug. 12: Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14: Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11: Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2: It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!

Dec. 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19: More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21: More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25: Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27: More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??

Dec. 28: The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the bunters had killed them all last November.

May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10: Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Montana!!!!

State Capitals

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.

Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

New Yorker Quit His Job

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: "I have to warn you though, there will be a lot of drinking at this party." The city slicker said no problem. "There will also be sex going on." No problem he responded. "Well, There will probably be some fighting too." I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

Franchise Church

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."

Dumb Montana Laws

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Dumb Montana Laws:

  1. Seven or more indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
  2. (Repealed) In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
  3. It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
  4. It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
  5. It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
  6. Excelsior Springs - Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
  7. Helena - No item may be thrown across a street.
  8. Salisbury - Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
  9. Whitehall - It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.