North V. South

• The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches.
• The North has coffeehouses. The South has Waffle Houses.
• The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.
• The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
• The North has double last names. The South has double first names.
• The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.
• The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.
• The North has the Mafia. The South has NASCAR.
• The North has Indy car races. The South has Swamp Buggy races.
• The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal. The South has grits.
• The North has green salads. The South has collard greens and chitlins.
• The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.
• The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores. The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners.
• The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.
• The North has Dan Quayle. The South has Bill Clinton.

Taking the Ferry Home

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found that there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.  When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.  "How did you like that jump, Buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.  "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Things Never Said By A Southerner

Things never said by a southerner

• Duct tape won't fix that.
• Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
• We don't keep firearms in the house.
• You can't feed that to the dog.
• The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• We're vegetarians.
• Do you think my gut is too big?
• Honey, we don't need another dog.
• Who's Richard Petty?
• We could just share a small bag of pork rinds.
• Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
• I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
• Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I've got it all on the C drive.
• There's too much sugar in this tea.
• Checkmate.
• I believe you cooked those greens too long.