Glutton for Punishment
He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every twenty minutes. He said, "What a glutton for punishment, that guy!"
The Blonde Driver
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener!"
Safest Way to Drive
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident. A man and a woman are both dead in the wreckage. He looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something. The cop says, "Hey, monkey, do you know what happened?" The monkey mimes drinking a bottle. "They were drinking? What else?" The monkey mimes smoking a joint. "They were smoking dope? What else?" The monkey mimes sexual relations. "They were screwing? This doesn't make any sense. How did you see all of this?" Monkey mimes driving.
Car Repair Payments
A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate of about one hundred dollars, which she couldn't quite afford.
"Darn," she says. "Just one hunderd dollars? If you weren't such an old guy, I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."
"Hell, I'll show you who's old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car." She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule! "Oh boy!" she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too." Then she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" the woman asked. "Hell," the old man replied, "you think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"