An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk." He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk." Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Blow up the Tires
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry, we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?". The attendant responds, "Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant, "Just what kind of petrol station is this?". The attendant then looks both ways and very carefully whispers to the man, "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.". The man then says, "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tires !"
Glutton for Punishment
He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every twenty minutes. He said, "What a glutton for punishment, that guy!"
The Blonde Driver
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener!"
A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident. A man and a woman are both dead in the wreckage. He looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something. The cop says, "Hey, monkey, do you know what happened?" The monkey mimes drinking a bottle. "They were drinking? What else?" The monkey mimes smoking a joint. "They were smoking dope? What else?" The monkey mimes sexual relations. "They were screwing? This doesn't make any sense. How did you see all of this?" Monkey mimes driving.