We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Insurance Claim Statements

  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
  • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
  • Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
  • I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
  • I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.
  • The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.
  • I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.
  • The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.
  • A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
  • A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.
  • I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.
  • I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.
  • I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.
  • I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
  • I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.
  • I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.
  • I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.
  • I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.
  • I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
  • My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.
  • My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
  • My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.
  • No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
  • The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
  • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
  • The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.
  • The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.
  • The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.
  • There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.
  • When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.
  • When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Pissing on a Ferrari

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone pissing on his Ferrari. "Hey," says the man. "Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?" "Because I feel like it." "Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari." "Whatever." So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour. Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up. "I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?" "It's easy," says the running man, "when your dick is stuck in the door."

Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

Car Insurance

Q: Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?

A: Because women don't get blow-jobs while they're driving.

Sleep Deprived

Q: How do you know when your snoring is a problem?

A: You're driving home from work and people riding with you start complaining.