Texan with a New Car
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
Show Him Your Cross
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, were traveling through Europe in their car, sight seeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
His And Hers Road Trip
HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. Opens window. Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air. Pulls up to a 7 -11. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits a deer. Curses the night. Curses you. Curses the large slurpee. Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel. He had to look up pernicious. Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary. Couldn't spell pernicious. Seethes at the memory of it all. But she is laughing inside.. And of course you're still lost.
John and Bob in Car Accident
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk." He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk." Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk."