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The best jokes and joke writers!

Blow up the Tires

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry, we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?". The attendant responds, "Sorry, but no oil either."

The man thinks and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant,  "Just what kind of petrol station is this?".  The attendant then looks both ways and very carefully whispers to the man, "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.".  The man then says, "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tires !"

You're in Big Trouble

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

I Want That Car

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching cars go by. They see a Cadillac Escalade drive by and the first boy says, "I wish I could have that Cadillac. The second boy says, "I wish I could have that Lincoln Navigator behind it. The third boy says, "I wish my whole body was covered in curly hair because my sister has a small patch between her legs and that is how she got both of those cars."

Car Repair Payments

A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate of about one hundred dollars, which she couldn't quite afford.
"Darn," she says. "Just one hunderd dollars? If you weren't such an old guy, I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."
"Hell, I'll show you who's old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car." She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule! "Oh boy!" she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too." Then she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" the woman asked. "Hell," the old man replied, "you think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"

Insurance Claim Statements

  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
  • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
  • Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
  • I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
  • I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.
  • The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.
  • I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.
  • The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.
  • A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
  • A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.
  • I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.
  • I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.
  • I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.
  • I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
  • I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.
  • I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.
  • I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.
  • I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.
  • I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
  • My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.
  • My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
  • My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.
  • No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
  • The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
  • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
  • The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.
  • The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.
  • The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.
  • There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.
  • When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.
  • When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.