A wife comes home and tells her husband, "Dear, something is wrong with my car. It's got water in the carburetor." The husband replies, "That's not possible." "Well," says the wife, "I'm telling you that's the problem." The husband gets up and sighs, "OK, fine. Where'd you park it?" The wife points toward the backyard, "In the swimming pool."
Dealing With Heavy Traffic
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Reducing Travel Risk
There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."
Blonde's Headlights Out
Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?
A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.
Shot for the Fruit
Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car.
When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha and Janet to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets killed too. So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died. Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca coming around the corner with a watermelon!"