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The best jokes and joke writers!

New Mercedes

There was this rich blonde girl, who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with a pocketful of dollars, and came out with the latest model. Half an hour later she was back at the showroom, claiming a that the car they sold her was terrible, that she was disappointed a brand-new Mercedes would get a fault in the gearbox after 15 minutes. The management apologized and gave her a new car. Again, after half an hour she came back. The management offered her a new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if they could figure out what the problem was. She put in the first gear... sped up... put in second... third... fourth... fifth.... "And now," she said, "for the rocket," and threw it in reverse.

Do This While Driving

Strange and silly things to do while driving. We do not advise doing any of the below "things to do while driving", as all driving should be taken seriously. The below "things to do while driving" are simply here for entertainment purposes.

  • Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
  • Roll down your windows and blast talk radio.
  • Attempt to headbang.
  • At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
  • Two words: Chicken suit.
  • Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
  • Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
  • Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
  • Stop at the green lights. Go at the red ones.
  • Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
  • Eat food that requires silverware.
  • Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
  • Sing without having the radio on.
  • Honk frequently without motivation.
  • Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
  • Ask people for Grey Poupon.
  • Let pedestrians know who's boss.
  • Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
  • Restart your car at every stop light.
  • Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
  • Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
  • While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
  • Keep at least five cats in the car.
  • Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
  • Stop and collect roadkill.
  • Throw Spam.
  • Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them. 

Why Do Blondes Like Sunroofs?

Q: Why do blondes like sunroofs?

A: More legroom!

Three Gay Men

Three gay male strip club dancers are driving on the freeway when their car breaks down. They didn't have a cell phone and needed a way to get help.  Two of the men get undressed and put on raincoats from the trunk.  They stand at opposite ends of the car and start twerking and flapping their coats open and closed, exposing themselves to the passing traffic. A police car soon pulls up and talks to the driver. “What are those two idiots doing?” says the policeman . “Them?” replies the driver. “They’re my emergency flashers.”

Shot for the Fruit

Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car.
When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha and Janet to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets killed too. So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died. Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca coming around the corner with a watermelon!"