Top 10 Lists

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
3. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
4. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
5. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
6. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
7. Illiterate? Write For Help
8. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
• I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
• I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
• I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek...

1. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
2. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
3. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
4. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
5. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
6. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
7. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
8. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
9. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
10. And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
    Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
2. Pretend to eat your arm.
1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.