Top 10 Lists
Top 10- Hockey vs. Sex
- YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS
- THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD
- THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE
- IT LASTS A FULL HOUR
- YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS
- YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
- A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON
- IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY
- YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK
- PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES
Typical Women Quotes
- So many men, so few can afford me.
- If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going.
- My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
- Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
- Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
- Do not start with me, you will not win.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!
10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Trick or Treat!
Top ten reasons why trick or treating is better than sex:
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) You can do the whole neighborhood.
Letterman's Bad Surgeon General
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.