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The best jokes and joke writers!

New Words Needed

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:

  1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.
  2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
  3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
  4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
  5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
  6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
  7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
  8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
  9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
  10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Typical Women Quotes

  1. So many men, so few can afford me.
  2.  If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going.
  3. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
  4. Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich.
  5. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen
  6. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  7. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
  8. Do not start with me, you will not win.
  9. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  10. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!

Trick or Treat!

Top ten reasons why trick or treating is better than sex:

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) You can do the whole neighborhood.

Letterman's Bad Surgeon General

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.

9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.

8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.

7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.

6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.

5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.

4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".

3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.

2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.

1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.