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The best jokes and joke writers!

Sexually Excited

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

A: He's Breathing.

Boxers or Briefs?

One day some guys were doing a survey between "boxers" or "briefs". They went to a 25 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? He said briefs. They went to a 40 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? He said boxers. Then they went up to a 80 year old man and said "boxers" or briefs"? And the old man replied  "depends?"

Men's Gourmet Restaurant

Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

A: Any place without a drive-up window.

New Women's Study

There is a new study out about women.  85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married. 10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Male Translations

What a man really means:

  •  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
  • "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works."
  • "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?"
  • "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
  • "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
  • "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
  • "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?"
  • "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."