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The best jokes and joke writers!

Man and E.T.

Q: What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?

A: E.T. phoned home.

Translating Menspeak

When He Says - He Really Means

Do you have the time? - to go to bed

Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.

How are you? - in bed, I mean.

I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.

I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.

I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.

I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.

I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.

I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.

I'm in television. - I fix them.

I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.

I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.

I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.

I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.

I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.

I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.

I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.

I play the market. - Safeway

I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.

I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.

Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.

My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.

My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.

My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

Open Minded

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A: So men can be open minded.

Dumber Sex

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?

Man In Supermarket

Man walks into a supermarket and buys: 1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 single serving cereal, 1 single serving frozen dinner. The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically
"How did you guess?" She replies
"Because you're ugly."