God Created Man
Q: Why did God create men?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
In The Forest
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
Man and E.T.
Q: What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.