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The best jokes and joke writers!

Bartender Robbed and Harrassed

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up!  Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"

Young Immigrant Couple

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. "It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?" "Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"

Praying to Cross a Lake

Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength, he swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times. The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools, he made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, he almost died 3 times. The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a girl, walked 4 yards, and crossed the bridge.

Had Two

A young woman goes to a dinner party with a head-cold. Her dress had no pockets for a tissue so she stuffs one into each cup of her bra. During the dinner party she feels a sneeze coming on. She discreetly rummages inside her left cup, but is unable to find anything. She notices that the man next to her is watching. “Sorry,” she whispers. “But I’m sure I had two when I arrived.”

Men In Heaven

Q: Why do so few men end up in heaven?

A: They never stop to ask for directions.