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The best jokes and joke writers!

Why Man, Then Woman

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

Material Data Sheet On Woman

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System


Substance: Woman
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to commonore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance produce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)


COMMON USES: ------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.


SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: -----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.


HAZZARDS: ---------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards

 

Young Immigrant Couple

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. "It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?" "Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"

Praying to Cross a Lake

Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength, he swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times. The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools, he made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, he almost died 3 times. The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a girl, walked 4 yards, and crossed the bridge.

Three guys named Larry

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Mountain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"