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The best jokes and joke writers!

Top 50 Jokes

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.

  1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
  2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
  3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
  4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
  5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
  6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
  7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
  8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
  9. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
  10. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
  11. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.
  12. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
  13. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.
  14. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.
  15. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said, "Well, whose fault is that?"
  16. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?
  17. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?
  18. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
  19. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
  20. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.
  21. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.
  22. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
  23. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.
  24. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
  25. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
  26. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.
  27. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"
  28. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.
  29. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
  30. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
  31. The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
  32. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.
  33. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
  34. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?
  35. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.
  36. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."
  37. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
  38. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
  39. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
  40. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.
  41. I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
  42. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.
  43. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.
  44. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  45. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
  46. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.
  47. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.
  48. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.
  49. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."
  50. SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!! Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.

Quarterback Logic

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly." "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."

Women Speak In Estrogen and Men Listen In Testosterone



When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.


Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.


Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.


Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.


To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note!!!


A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."


Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.


Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.


Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.


In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.


Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.


When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.


Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"


Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"


A man comes home from work sporting two black eyes. “What happened to you?” asks his wife. “I’ll never understand women,” he replies. “I was riding on the escalator behind this pretty young girl, when I noticed her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!” “I see, and how did you get the second black eye?” asks his wife. He replies, “Well, I figured she liked it that way, so I pushed it back in again.”

Beer Case

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade!"