Q: What's the best way to torture a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
Hillary Clinton goes in for her annual gynecological exam. The doctor tells her she's pregnant. Hillary realizes this will eliminate her chance to run for president and storms out of the office to call Bill. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" After a moment of stunned silence, Bill says, "Who is this?"
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.