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Research Results

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.     

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "after play"?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?

A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!

Late Again

Wife - "Where the  hell have you been?  You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry, Honey, but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"

Husband - "Fine.  We finished in under  4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse, I hopped in the car and would have  been here at noon on the button.   On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire.  I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money.  Of course, I refuse it - then she tells  me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes.  Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I  guess we were looking pretty good to each other.  Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.  She suggested we get some privacy while pulling  me by the hand.  Now I'm in her room ... clothes are flying .... The talking stopped ...  and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because  before I know it the clock says 5:30.  I jumped up, threw my clothes  on, ran to the car, and here I am.  There, you wanted the truth ... you  got it."

Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!?"

The Confessional

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned" "What have you done Tommy O'Connor" said the Priest. "I had sex with a girl" "Who was it Tommy?" "I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin." "Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No Father, please forgive me for my sin." "Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me." "Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?" "No Father, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven." So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting... "What did you get?" asked Joseph. "Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!"

Headache Cure

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches. The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said, "You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that.  I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home. She waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that-- I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt." "Well I might try something like that," said John. A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway. "John!" says the doc, "Haven't seen you in a while!  How are those headaches?" "Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice!" said John. "Hey, that's fantastic!" said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway. "Say, Doc!" yelled John, down the hall, "Nice place you got there!"

A Clever Court Case

One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with her."

To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his companion 'good night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her money. "If you don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds!"

The next day, he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed to his attorney and explained the circumstances to him. His attorney said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the court as follows:  "Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the Defendant for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The Defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed amount. The rent was by no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask Judgment be granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance."

The Defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense was, therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to present it. "Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his stones, erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him personally. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this: "Your Honor, my client agrees that the Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well existed, he would not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the Defendant removed his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do the cleaning up, but he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus making it very easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be granted."

She won!