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The best jokes and joke writers!

Blonde - Perfect Woman

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye."

Partial Deck

A girl comes home from school and tells her grandma that a boy at has asked her out for a date. This being her first date, her grandma gives her some rules. "If he tries to come near you or hug you, its fine. If he tries to kiss you, well thats fine too. But if he tries to lay you down and get on top of you, just push him and get out of there." The innocent girl was confused and asked, "Why grandma?" Grandma replied, "Because then he will disgrace our family." The girl having learned the lesson goes on her date. When she returns, her grandma asked her what happened. She replied, "Everything went well. First he hugged me, then kissed me. But then he tried to lay me down. So instead I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

The Missionary!

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture. The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do math. He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives. They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, "Tree". The native repeats, "Tree". They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, "Bush". The native repeats the word, "Bush". They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple having sex. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does. The native asks - "What is that? What are they doing?" And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, "Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!" Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act. The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, "Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people!  WHY did you kill those two people?!  I told you that they were riding a bicycle!" The native answers, "Him riding MY bicycle!"

A Small Disappointment

Two GI's in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs to shit. "I can't go in here" he says" It's really going to stink" "There's another trench over there" says the other. "I'll cover you with the M60.... just give me a shout and i'll cover you so you can get back" "OK" so the GI runs across while the other fires off the machine gun. He's waiting 10 minutes ......15 .......20 ....he shouts out  "Are you Ok?" .....nothing. Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting. "Cover me i`m coming back." When he jumps back in, his mate says "Where the fuck have you been? you've been gone for over an hour" "Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her tits, fondled her ass, turned her round and fucked her from behind!" "It was great!" "You lucky Bastard" said the other "did you get a blow job?" "nah" said the other,disappointedly" she didn't have a head"

Up All Night

Q: Why did Daft Punk spend the night with a Leprechaun?

A: He was "Up all night to get lucky"