Sex Jokes

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick? "I will," replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."  "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.  He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind.  David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"  The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic!"

Q: What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?

A: Hair balls.

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or grunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my zipper!

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them." At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"