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The best jokes and joke writers!

Clever Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever." A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Get out of Bed

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school. She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast. "No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!" "You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds. "No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky." "You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns. "Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks. The mother is about to lose her patience. "Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!"

Shapes

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?

A: You're pointless !

Adult Speak

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?" Third Pupil, with a big grin: "Winnie The Shit!"

Freshman Anatomy

A classroom full of freshman medical students is anxiously awaiting their first human anatomy lesson..

When the door opens the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says, "Before learning human anatomy there are two important things you need to remember."

"First, you should be fearless." The professor then sticks his finger in the dead-body's butt hole and then puts it in his mouth. Seeing this the students are stunned and disgusted. The professor then said in a commanding voice, "Everyone line up and do exactly what I just did." With great hesitation and disgust, every student repeated what their professor did.

After the initial commotion settled down and everyone had their turn, the professor said, "The second thing you need to remember is the importance of having a keen sense of observation. Some of you noticed that I stuck my index finger in the butt hole and put my ring finger in my mouth."