The Miracle Show
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program. The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed. Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me. "So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch. The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
Quiet In Church
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Adam and Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth!" The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve!
Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell. Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty. Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out "Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!"
Short Guide To Religions
- Taoism: Shit happens.
- Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
- Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
- Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
- Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
- Hinduism: This shit happened before.
- Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
- Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
- T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
- Atheism: No shit.
- Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
- Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
- Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
- Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
- Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
- Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
- Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!