Picking a Punishment
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
A man was part of a national wildlife preserve before he died. He loved to clean up areas for all kinds of animals, and thought he had done a lot of good in the world. So when he died, he expected to go to heaven. He was very surprised when the angel, who told people whether they were going to heaven or hell, said, "I'm sorry, but you were sent to hell." "Are you quite sure you haven't made mistake?" the young man asked. "We never make mistakes and never have." The angel replied. So the young man thought, well, okay, and went with the devil to hell. When the young man got there, he thought, "What a mess! I am NOT going to be living in such a pigsty," so he started to clean the place up. A few weeks later, the angel came down to hell to tell the young man that they indeed had made a mistake and he was supposed to go to heaven. "Woah, you can't just take him! He's mine now and this place looks great!" said the devil. "Oh, well then we'll just sue you!" The angel said back. "And how the heck do you plan to do that?" taunted the devil. "We've got all the lawyers."
Satan Knows Best
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!" "I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'" "Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
Jesus vs. Satan
One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge. Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC. When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on. On Jesus's monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satan's monitor remained blank. Satan got really angry and complained to God. God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, "Jesus saves!"
Heaven or Hell
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we will do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he has in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there is just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted.'