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Short Guide To Religions

  • Taoism: Shit happens.
  • Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
  • Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
  • Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
  • Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
  • Hinduism: This shit happened before.
  • Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
  • Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
  • T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
  • Atheism: No shit.
  • Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
  • Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
  • Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
  • Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
  • Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
  • Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
  • Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Made For Love

Adam was talking to God one day, and asked, "why did you make Eve so pretty?" God replied, "So you would love her." Adam then asked, "why did you make her such a good cook?" God replied, "So that you would love her." Adam asked, "Why does she have such a heavenly smile?" God said, "So you would love her." Finally, Adam asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God replied, "So that she would love you!"

Christmas Accident

After a terrible Christmas Eve car accident, three guys died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the gates and asked that they show him something related to Christmas to enter heaven. The first guy rummages through his pockets and pulls out a lighter, lights it and said, "Christmas Candle." St. Peter agreed that there were indeed Christmas candles and let him pass. The second guy fishes around and pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says, "Christmas bells." St. Peter again agrees and sends him through. The third guy reached into his coat pocket and pulls out a pair of girls panties. St. Peter said, "Now what do panties have to do with Christmas?" The guy said "Oh, these are Carols." 

Some Last Minute Requests

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

Yo Mama - Autographed Bible

Yo' Mama is so old, she's got a Bible autographed by Jesus.