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Short Guide To Religions

  • Taoism: Shit happens.
  • Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
  • Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
  • Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
  • Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
  • Hinduism: This shit happened before.
  • Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
  • Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
  • T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
  • Atheism: No shit.
  • Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
  • Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
  • Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
  • Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
  • Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
  • Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
  • Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Curious Priest

After several years of serving the church in a far away land, a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx, New York. He set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes. On his way, a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks." The priest glares at her confused and says, "What's a blow job?" The woman is just as confused and says, "What are you a comedian?" and walks off. The priest, undaunted, walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister, blow job 25 bucks." The priest quickly replies, "What is this blow job!?" The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off. The priest, now very curious, returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly a "blow job" is. The priest sees the mother superior and says, "I have a question -- What's a blow job?" Mother superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper. "Same as on the outside... 25 Bucks."

Recruiting Day

A nurse dies and is greeted in the after life by Saint Peter. He tells her there’s a policy of allowing people to choose whether they want to spend eternity in Heaven or in Hell and she can spend a day in each before making a decision. The nurse goes to Hell for the day where she meets many old friends and colleagues in a sunny garden. They take her for an excellent dinner, and she even meets the Devil , who turns out to be pretty decent. Next day she spends a day in Heaven where she sits around on clouds, sings, and plays the harp . When Saint Peter asks what her choice is, she says, “Well, Heaven was nice, but I had a better time in Hell. So I’d like to go there please.” Her wish is granted and down to Hell she goes. When she get there she finds a desolate wasteland covered in filth and her friends, dressed in rags, collecting garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil walks over to greet her, and the nurse says, “How could this place change so much in a day. Yesterday it was like paradise.” The Devil smiles and says, “Yes, but yesterday we were recruiting – today you’re staff.”

Christmas Accident

After a terrible Christmas Eve car accident, three guys died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the gates and asked that they show him something related to Christmas to enter heaven. The first guy rummages through his pockets and pulls out a lighter, lights it and said, "Christmas Candle." St. Peter agreed that there were indeed Christmas candles and let him pass. The second guy fishes around and pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says, "Christmas bells." St. Peter again agrees and sends him through. The third guy reached into his coat pocket and pulls out a pair of girls panties. St. Peter said, "Now what do panties have to do with Christmas?" The guy said "Oh, these are Carols." 

Wear Your Collar Backwards

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?" The priest says, "Because I'm a father." Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards." The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."