Jewish Grandma

A little old Jewish grandmother gives directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 3A. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 3A. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 3. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all those buttons with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty-handed?

Forrest Gump goes to Heaven

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Third, what is God's first name?" Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!" "Twelve!" "Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it." "And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind." "I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?" Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name." "Everbody probly knows it." "It's Howard." "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?" Forest answers, "It's in the prayer." "The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Howard be thy name...."

Assign The Punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned."