Trade In Value

Get a new car for your spouse; it will be a great trade!

How To Drive Your Wife Crazy

• Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case."
• Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
• While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
• Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
• Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
• Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
• Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
• Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
• Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
• Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
• When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
• When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
• Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
• When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
• On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
• As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
• Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."
• Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
• When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
• Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that's not what happened....
• Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."
• Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.

The Final FBI Test

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and they are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test. "We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wife's cell and kill her." The englishman grabbed the gun. "Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good." He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, "We've been married too long. I just cant do it." So he was booted out. The frenchman grabbed the gun. "If I must, I must." He went into his wife's cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, "I love her too much. I just can't do it." So he was booted out. So the Ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wife's cell. "That fucking bitch is really going to get it." Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The Ukranian came out with cuts and bruises all over his face. The agent asked, "What the hell happened in there?" The Ukranian replied, "Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!"