She Changed Me

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Marriage Counseling

After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down. The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

Marriage Quotes 10

• I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin
• I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan
• I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.
• I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
• I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller
• I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
• If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
• If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov
• If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner